The Accordion Connection

Simone says there's a popular indie rock band called the "Accordion Connection, you know, that one with all the guys on stage at once, and one of them has a drum? You know who I mean". Anyway, this is an unrelated blog of bitchin' YouTube videos.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Songs to Ruin a Karaoke Birthday Party By, Part 1

There comes a time in every person's life when, for whatever reason, they must attempt to ruin a karaoke birthday party. It could be for any reason--love, money, personal vengeance and retribution, hazing, whatever. And what with the popularity of "frenemies" these days, one could easily be ruining a karaoke birthday two or three times a month. But when these situations arise, sometimes it's sudden--sometimes you don't have a chance to prepare. And that is why we, the ladies of the Accordion Connection, have prepared for you our short-list, in descending order, of songs to bring any karaoke birthday party to a screeching halt:

3. "Touch Me", the Doors

I'm not sure if this is a fair thing to put down, because it's actually always been a fantasy of mine to do this song at a karaoke party. But I guess I've been refraining because I know that it would totally ruin the party beyond repair, and that's how it has ended up at number 3. This song performed at a karaoke party leaves a myriad of questions in it's wake, such as "How can we go back to a normal, fun karaoke party where people sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and "Sexyback" after that?" and "Why did you have to drop your pants while singing, for added authenticity?". And seriously, doesn't the horn part make it that much fucking worse? I feel like it's impossible to not feel like either a lame dad or an emabrassed teenager when hearing this song ( whether you feel like a dad or a teenager depends on whteher yoou enjoy it, I think). Though, I mean, I think ruining a karaoke party with this song would kind of be it's own art form. Try it out and let me know!

2. "Paul Revere", the Beastie Boys

I think any and all rap generally ruins any karaoke party, but even within this, there are levels. A few years ago, I heard some guy do that Eminem song about how you need to guess who's back because Eminem is back again or however it goes, and that performance was such a seething, baseball-capped living nightmare-scape, it should really be number 1.1.1. on this list, but I would like this list to be a little more light-hearted. That Eminem song is for the list "Karaoke Performances to Negatively Impact Other Peoples' Lives So Intensely That They're Still Totally Thinking About It, Like, Three Years Later". But luckily, we're just talking about how to ruin a karaoke party. Now, I think rap is almost always a losing karaoke proposition, but there are a few things that are crowd pleasers, especially among your lamer crowds. If you did something cutesy, such as "Girls" by the Beasties Boys, all the totally pez-ish losers would love it, especially if you were a girl singing it.Get it? That's totally gender-queer. You're totally subversive. But I think one way to really blow everyone away so that the karaoke party cannot recover is to do a really long song. This video is deceptively short, but the actual song clocks in around 4 minutes, and has such intricate lyrics that after you have a few Mai Tais, you will certainly be slurring the wrong word at the wrong time, off-beat, beat-boxing under your breath, just biding your time until you get to shout that part about the "wiffle ball bat". I challenge any karaoke party to bounce back from this!

1. "All About the Benjamins", Puff Daddy

This song was actually the genesis of the "how to ruin a karaoke party" list. Just picture it. What a fucking nightmare. Especially if you did it at the beginning of the party, when everyone was on like their first drink or so.

Though I do have a real soft spot for the "rock remix" video:

Cute, no?

Runners up:

4. "Frozen", Madonna

Simone and I are totally having a fight about whether this was the theme from "Felicity". Wasn't it? Or why do I think it was? But anyway, not only is this song low-energy enough to at least severely damage a karaoke party, you will also make everyone at the party think you dig late-period Madonna and then they will never invite you anywhere ever again.

5. "All the Things She Said", Tatu

I can tell you, with the authority of experience, that you cannot hit the high notes, no matter what those 6 Long Island Iced Teas you've had are telling you.

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Primus Sucks

You know how sometimes it's 1995 and you're sick of being some wiener with corduroy pants who always gets bloody noses and who is in the gifted program? You are THROUGH with it. You have totally made your last diorama about the Lost City of Atlantis ever, you decide. You are ready to get fucking BAD ASS.

Only your problem is, you are still kind of too much of a loser (or possibly too much of a winner?) to be a real bad-ass; I mean like, you probably smoke pot sometimes, but when you do you're like "Oh my god, what if my mom finds out? How will I ever get into Harvard?" and so you spend the whole time you are high having your friend spray you with Lysol spray in the backyard, and then you get some in your eye and you have to flush it with one of those gay little eyewash thingies. Also maybe one time you are at a punk show at the VFW Hall and it gets busted by the cops because someone set off the smoke alarms and you get so nervous that this might keep you out of Harvard, you maybe kind of might possibly burst into tears while some police officer is taking down the correct spelling of your name.

But still, you dress a little bit tough and have tough hair and lots of kids who are in elementary school are completely terrified of you. Anyway, the point of this story is that, if this was your life, you'd totally be into Primus:

Also, probably Metallica. Anyway, then like 12 years later, you're all like "Oh, you know, Tom Waits did the voice on 'Tommy the Cat'", and you feel somehow vindicated. And also, oddly, a bit less fat than you did that morning. Funny, that.

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