Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Americavision on Eurovision
The Eurovision Song Contest was held yesterday in Helsinki, Finland.
Gaby and I became fascinated by this competition last year when a metal band from Finland that dressed up like monsters called "Lordi" won first prize. "What is this magical world where hard-rocking monsters rule the earth and trannies, drag queens, and lesbians are allowed, nay, encouraged to perform incoherent dance songs in front of an audience of millions?" we asked, "some sort of Shangri-la? Can such a place truly exist?" Yes, Virginia, there is such a place, and it is called Europe (well, at least one day a year).
Here's the first place winner this year, Marija Serifovic (coughlesbiancough!), singing "Molitva."
I have no idea what this song is about, but judging from the redness of the light show going on around her, I think it's safe to assume she's plotting a lesbian-communist overthrow of the United States. I'm on to you, Marija! You and your red dyke army may win the Eurovision, but you will never win the war!
Second place went to this guy, Verka Serdyuchka, with his song "Dancing."
Um, wow. That kinda just took the words out of my mouth. Or maybe there just aren't any words in the english language for that.
And now for the song that SHOULD have been the winner this year, based entirely on the fact that it is the best dance song about vampires, by vampires I've ever heard. Here's "DJ BoBo" (I am not kidding) with "Vampires are Alive" (still not kidding):
Thank you, Switzerland!
And now, just for the hell of it, here's Lordi with "Hard Rock Hallelujah":
Rock on, y'all!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Overheard on the F Train
Scene: a gaggle of hysterically giggling 2nd graders sit on a bench in a brooklyn bound F train.
"What sex are you?!!!"
"What sex are YOU?!!!"
"What seeexxxx are yoouuuu?!!!"
"I'm bisexual! I'm not a boy or a girl! I'm bisexual!"
"What seeex are you?!!!"
"I'm bisexual! I'm a She-male!"
"Well, what's 4 times 4?!!"
An exhausted girl in her early 20s carrying a pearl art bag stifles her laughter as best she can, but can't keep from smirking the rest of the way home.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
C'mon, Kiss the Gun
There appear to be a few things that Prince and his army of tiny, cuban-heeled censorship police have yet to take away from us. Only by the grace of god can ye watch this video for "Sex Shooter" by the Apollonia 6. Seriously, watch this video as soon as you can! Prince giveth, and Prince taketh away faster than you can say "lake Minnetonga."
Now, the story behind Apollonia 6 is that in the early 80s, Prince wanted to start a girl group. This girl group would be called "Vagina and the Hookers" and the lead singer's stage name would be "Vagina," only pronounced "Vageeena." Now, record company executives, as well as Denise Matthews, Prince's then girlfriend and the lead singer for the group, demurred on this name and instead went with "Vanity 6." Anyway, Denise (aka Vanity) was training for her role in "Purple Rain" when she was offered a solo record deal (gee, that sure panned out) and she and Prince broke up. Enter Patty Kotero, who took Denise aka Vanity's role in Purple Rain and became the lead singer of Vanity 6 - only Patty's new stage name was Apollonia, hence Apollonia 6. So, basically, Prince Begat Vagina and the Hookers which Begat Vanity 6 which Begat Apollonia 6. There ya go.
Oh, you may be wondering, "Why 6? There are three of them!" Well, my friend, 3 ladies equals six breasts.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I Write Lames, Not Tragedies
So yesterday was Accordion Connection's first birthday! And, like all important birthdays in my life, I spent it far away from the birthday girl, drinking beer with strangers. Sorry, princess! I promise I'll shape up in time for your second!
But anyways, let's get serious here for a second. I love Meatloaf. I always have, and it's given me a generalized weakness for Wagnerian pomp and rock "epics" sung by sweaty fat guys in froofy shirts which, of course, in the past few years, has translated into my well-documented weakness for My Chemical Romance (though I have to admit, much of this fondness has gone the way of the dodo since they made that lead singer guy lose all of that weight. WTF??! There was just more of him to love!). Anyway, I was always aware that My Chemical Romance represented the tip of a much larger iceberg--some kind of iceberg made of eyeliner and Jared Leto and "girls hurt me", but I've always declined to investigate, even though Simone thought investigating this "Meatloaf for teens" subgenre would make a great blog post. Until now.
So, last night, I came home, and thought I would check out that band Jared Leto's in that everybody is always talking about/ ragging on. I thought it might provide some fodder for an entry I was planning about how bloated he had gotten lately. But what I saw blew that, and every other sensible thought I have ever had, straight from my mind:
Now, I know a lot of you Accordion Connection readers skip the videos and just come in for the witty commentary, but for the love of god, watch this video. This is what the kids in America are into these days! I can't even say anything witty about it, because my brain is just drained by how much Jared Leto loves Jared Leto and also how much Jared Leto loves Jared Leto's abs, and takes Jared Leto's abs so seriously. Of COURSE the last emperor's only birthday wish would involve Jared Leto and his abs! I mean, do your birthday wishes ever involve anything else? Also, I really love the strong martial arts component in this video, to show you that he's not gay and stuff. But really: oh my god. Also, first video ever shot in China? This is "glasnost"????????
So, of course, once I opened this door, I could not close it. And I was pretty shocked to discover the visual counterparts to all these shitty emo songs I had just heard on the radio in the mall. Such as Exhibit B:
Fall Out Boy as sexy vampire hunters, and Pete Wentz as a guy who is totally, 100% not gay, guys! Look, he's totally beating up those gay vampires with his bare fists! If only the gay vampires were not in cahoots with the police (as usual).
Oh my god, how can I possibly impart to you how important it is to watch Exhibit C? This is a video by Panic at the Disco, who I heard wore clown makeup, which I had assumed would be more of Dresden Dolls thing and less of an actual, you know, mime thing. I had also assumed that they, and all of these bands, would sound a little tougher, since they're supposed to be all scary and goth and, I don't know, they're vampires who take your virginity and then cry about it or something. I mean, these bands all pretty much sound like Whitesnake! Not even Warrant!
Anyway, here's another Fall Out Boy video, just because they're the worst offenders, and watching their videos is now one of my top icky pleasures:
Not to have this descend into complete po-mo-type critical analysis, but if you watch both of these Fall Out Boy videos together, don't you kind of get the impression that Fall Out Boy feel really threatened by black dudes? Like, black dudes complicate their masculinity or whatever. Also, why is Pete Wentz famous? I just realized that he's not the singer. Simone says it's because girls find him cute, which I guess I believe, even though I feel like he just looks like a really hip college-age lesbian. Also, the lyrics to this song are so embarassing that if you read them aloud to yourself, you'd have to pee out of shame.
Now, I love a big movie style video production as much as the next gal--possibly even more (I am the one supporting My Chemical Romance here, after all). But these videos are so bloated and self-obsessed and not backed up by any real talent or genuine appeal, I can't see any difference between them and this:
Thanks for indulging me. And please enjoy your hilarious parting gift:
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Happy Anniversary, Wayne!
It's the Accordion Connection's first anniversary, y'all! Doesn't someone owe me, like, a set of silver knives, or a tiffany's bracelet, or something? I mean, a dozen roses, at the very least. Come on, people! it's not like I do this blog because it's fun, or I like it or something - it's for the presents! And, to a lesser extent, the fame!
Oh well. Watch the first 7 minutes of Wayne's world. It will brighten your day immensely. I promise.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Eleven years too late
I wish I could write a letter to my adolescent self about today. It would go something like this:
"Dear 12 year old Simone,
When you are 23, you will be interning at a feminist art gallery in New York. I know, right? I thought we were going to be an architect/mycologist too! Anyway, remember that crush you have? On the guitarist from the Smashing Pumpkins? Yeah, old whatshisname, James Iha. Well, one day you will look out the window at the recording studio across the street from that gallery and see James Iha hanging out with a bunch of guys. And guess what? His hair will be totally skanky and fried, and his face will be fat and you'll squint and feel really underwhelmed, though you daydreamed through math class every day of 7th grade about what a good kisser he must be, and how silky his tresses, and how fine his bone structure. So be strong, little simone, and if one day in the future, you accidentally get grey paint on YOUR ONLY PAIR OF NON-PAINTY JEANS, don't fret, just remember James Iha, and that all pretty things must be tarnished over time.
Love, 23 year old Simone"
I highly reccomend watching this video with the sound off, because it's actually pretty cute. Just don't look at Billy Corgan.