The Accordion Connection

Bros Before Hos, y'all

2010-05-04T09:04:00.002-04:00

Pretty girl, who you choose? Fat guy or twee lesbian?
Uh oh, looks like Justin and Sean "choose me!"

I CHOOSE ME.

Also: "mo lover". That is all.

Dear Ursher: URUGUAY

2010-03-28T23:23:00.001-04:00

THAT'S GAY.

It's Over!

2010-03-12T19:19:00.002-05:00

The fight for music video domination, that is.
Lady Gaga wins, she just fucking wins. I mean:

Shit.

Miss Jennifer Requests! or: Random Musings about the Current State of so-called 'Popular' Music.

2010-02-28T19:22:00.005-05:00

Alright, alright, people. I know you're all clamoring for new posts about my unique and brilliant take on pop music and sundry other crap on this blog! And I haven't posted in a while! And for this I apologize! But also! I had a lot of crap going on, such as moving to a new apartment and getting sick all the time and dealing with my job. But now stuff appears to be under control, mostly, so I can once again take a moment to sit back and assess the current situation in the world of pop music

OR SHOULD I SAY 'POOP MUSIC'? Because really, okay, this song sure exists and gets played ON THE REGULAR on Z100.

That was Young Money with "Bedrock." As in, "Call me Mr. Flinstone, I can make your bed rock." Uh, Whut? How much "purp" does one have to drink to think that that is a legitimate hook for a song? I suppose my guess is as good as yours, because we all know that whatever is in Li'l Wayne's cup is Li'l Wayne's business, and only Li'l Wayne's business:

Also, fuck Li'l Wayne. HE'S NOT VERY GOOD! HIS RHYMES ARE WEAK, AND ALSO HE IS A REPRESSED HOMOSEXUAL!

Now, let us never speak of Li'l Wayne on this blog again.

Touch Me, Be My Paramour

2009-12-13T20:20:00.015-05:00

After reading Simone's excellent post about Justin Bieber, I felt inspired to write a post of my own in the same vein (barely legal teen boyz), in order to steal her thunder. Anyway, I have been planning on writing this post about Brett Smiley forever but was too lazy! Gerard first showed me this Brett video over a year ago, and it truly has everything! It is definitely similar to other 1970's interviews with weirdo rock stars (Iggy Pop and Bowie on the Dinah Shore show, that Sex Pistols interview even though they're not that weird) in that the stuffy interviewer is totally horrified by the person in front of them.

Who is that person? Why, Brett Smiley, the much hyped/ miserably failed teen glam rock star, led by Malcolm MClaren-esque impresario Andrew Loog Oldham. Brett Smiley's image was feyer than fey, though I think in reality he was just a theater kid who did a lot of blow. Unfortunately, I had never heard of Brett Smiley as a teen (his album never even came out, and was only re-realeased on CD after I graduated high school) but I would have been really into him, let me tell you. I am still pretty into him, though more in the amazing photos above than in the clip. As pointed out in Simone's post, there is a reason there are usually few beefy and bearded heartthrobs: many ladies, especially young ladies, like dudes who look like girls.

Though Space Ace, the single on this video, isn't nearly as good as it is on the album, it is an awesome and hella catchy song, with the sweeping, dramatic glam quality that would have blown my mind in high school. Lyrics like There comes a time in every space boy's life/He gets involved in a chariot race just don't measure up to music nowadays.

These posts also made me think of how it was all well and good to be into fey, nubile teen boys when I was a teenager, but now I'm 26 so I guess that means I'm a just a lech?

sincerely,
Guest Post Writer Mary

PS: Rereading this post's first paragraph and thought, "Wow, I am so funny!" and then I realized Gaby had actually written it.

PPS: What does Brett Smiley look like now? You don't want to know!

The Softest Butch...

2009-11-23T09:23:00.005-05:00

...is a 13 year old pop star named Justin Bieber. I am assuming he's 13, because really, I don't want to actually do any research about this child. But, OMG, check out his non-threatening lesbian haircut! The clothes work for it to! The first time I saw one of this kid's videos on TV I was really shocked that they were marketing an adorable dyke to the teenagers. Okay, maybe that's just my own personal fantasy, but seriously, fucking look at this kid:

Omg! So lesbionic! So "'Non-threatening Boys' magazine"!

Also, according to that video, he knows Usher. GAY!

But okay, here's where I get angry. This song:

"One Less Lonely Girl." Alright, I heard this on the z100 the other day, and the lyrics... well, let's just read the ones that piss me off: "I'm gonna put you first/I'll show you what you're worth". AUGH! No, 12 year old boy, fuck you. Girls do NOT NEED BOYS IN ORDER TO FEEL VALIDATED OR WHOLE OR SOMETHING!!! JUSTIN BIEBER IS THE PATRIARCHY! Arrrrgggghhhh!!!!
Also, apparently 12 year olds love to hang out in laundromats these days? The times, they are a changin'.

In conclusion, wouldn't it be awesome if Justin Bieber was actually the softest butch in deep undercover 13 year old boy drag? That would rule. But he isn't, and also he's a tool of the patriarchy, so boo-urns.
THE END.

EDIT:
Additionally, I would love to know what Beavis and Butthead would say about this kid! Huh-huh-huh.

EDIT #2:

Get the Rhythm of the Hot Dog.

2009-11-14T09:15:00.003-05:00

As per Mary's request, here's the video of the girls doing the clapping game of "down down baby." This is also one of the videos from Sesame Street that made a huge impression on me when I was little. I haven't seen this video in probably 15 years, but watching it was a total deja-vu psychedelic freakout, man. I remember the girls, particularly the little one, and their clothes, and their braided hair, and those hair elastics with the big shiny plastic balls on them. I used to play this game on the schoolyard. I loved, loved, loved clapping games, and I think a big part of why I thought they were so cool was because of this video. Also: I am having deep feminist thoughts about girl culture and visibility and the fact that this was on tv when I was little really validated a part of my experience as a girl.

WATCH IT:

Sesame Street, oh man, the nostalgia is at defcon-1 levels.

2009-11-09T21:19:00.003-05:00

So I'm pretty sure that everyone is aware that it's Sesame Street's 40th anniversary this year. I mean, google has their "google" all tricked out with different characters each day and there was something about it in NY magazine... Anyhoo, blah blah blah, it was revolutionary, all that crap, etc.

WHATEVER. Read somewhere else if you want a nuanced critique or a gossipy history of the show. I just want to sit here and watch my favorite videos, which I seriously have not seen since I was a child, but felt compelled to look up because of all the hoopla about the 40th anniversary.

FIRST UP: The "yip-yip martians." I LOOOOOOVED these guys, especially this skit where they discover a radio for the first time:

Those martians really made a big impression on me as a child. I thought they were the BEST, and I think might be one of the reasons why I am so drawn to cephalopods now.

Next up: The Oinker Sisters, performing "A New Way to Walk." This really blew my mind as a kid. First of all, it was always odd to me that they weren't wearing pants. Also, they look like cyndi lauper. I definitely remember thinking that the Oinker Sisters were really glamorous and fancy. And also: "Deutsch Hamaphone Records"? HILARIOUS.

Oh god, and do you remember this one?

That really freaked me out when I was little. That U was gonna strangle that guy (who I now know is Smokey Robinson)! Augh!

And here's one that really, really made a huge impression on me: the playground building one. Holy crap, I haven't seen this in like 20 years. But I remember that music, and watching those kids paint the monsters for the haunted house... god, I was so fucking into this little report or whatever you want to call it. I guess I've always enjoyed hammers and paint and building things!

Well, that's it for now, folks. This post was brought to you by the letters S, L, and M and the number 15.

(That's what I was always hoping they would say at the end of each episode - my initials and my day of birth!)

(Seriously, there are about 10 zillion old Sesame Street videos online if you want to take a trip down memory lane!)

The Hot Fall Jam, Finally!

2009-10-30T23:57:00.004-04:00

So this blog sure kinda died, huh? Well, I'm still here thinking of great blog posts and then not actually doing them. I have a real job now, people! A job where I spent a ridiculous amount of time sitting in front of a computer doing shit! I do not love computers enough to then come home and sit in front of another computer for very long. (Sorry, computers, it's just the truth).

ANYWAYZ, the point is, finally we have a hot jam. This summer was pretty jam-less, if you ask me, but man. The new Jay-Z song, "Empire State of Mind," is pretty much one of the best pop songs of the modern era. It's right up there with "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey or, I dunno, "Born in the USA" or something. In fact, it's kinda a blend of both of those songs. It's all catchy as balls and has a great hook, but is also all sweeping and is an ANTHEM, maannnn. I mean, not to sound all cheesy and shit, but when this song "dropped" about six weeks ago or whatever, I heard it blasting from some car over in the East Village when I was walking down 1st ave and it was like, "YEAH. YEAH, NEW YORK. THAT'S RIGHT! THESE STREETS WILL INSPIRE YOU! SING IT, ALICIA!" So, yeah, you done good, Jay-Z. Also, I really like Alicia Keys intonation, especially when she sings "inspire you-u-u."

Enough with my cheeseball antics. Watch the video, y'all:

Lycanthropic Lesbianos Scandale

2009-08-23T16:46:00.003-04:00

So, like, here is the music video for Shakira's new song, "She-Wolf."

Yeah, okay... let's write some of these lyrics out: "There's a she-wolf in your closet/Let her out so it can breathe/There's a she-wolf in your closet/Coming out, coming out, coming out."

I'LL LET YOU GUYS MAKE YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS ABOUT THIS ONE.

BTW, holy crap, this video has the worst dancing ever, am I right?

Where are the Summer Jams? I mean, Seriously?

2009-07-29T20:24:00.004-04:00

There are no good summer jams this year, thusly, I will just listen to "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac on repeat for a while. Feel free to join me.

Fake Blood/You Rock Me Like The Real Thing

2009-07-13T12:33:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry I haven't been able to get it together to write an actual post with real insight about the latest cat videos from Japan or the undiscovered works of "Diamond" David Lee Roth. I've been busy! With life! And Girls Rock Camp!

Anyway, here's something that everyone, especially the little girls at rock camp who came up with the band name "Dracula's Dollhouse," can appreciate. Faaake Blooooood!

Shame Shame Shame

2009-07-08T22:01:00.000-04:00

I agree with the message of this song.

Happy Birthday, Gaby!

2009-06-25T08:34:00.003-04:00

Dear Gaby,
Well, it sure is your birthday. Happy Birthday! You are, indeed, the Birthday Princess. How many years have we known each other? 6 or something? That's like 40 years in dog years. Is it possible to explain the deep, mystical bond you and I share, after 40 years together? I mean, even if we put on dog masks and eat dog food and bark like dogs, I don't think it's possible. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS BUT US. The world is out to get us, but they're not gonna get us. OH, the times we've shared! Which include, but are not limited to:

-sitting on the couch and watching Rock of Love
-sitting on the couch and watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey
-sitting on the couch and watching Reno 911
-sitting on the couch and watching The Mighty Boosh
-sitting on the couch and watching Skins

What I'm trying to say is: what a long, erotic journey we've had together. I'm so happy I was able to find a video that truly expresses my wishes for you on this, your most birthday-ish of days!

HAHAHA EWWWW GROSSSSSSS!!!!!
JK! I saw that video for the first time last night on mtv during the break between true life and whatever's on after true life. Um, that song/video is the worst. TRUTH.

Here's something a little more my speed:

"I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours." - Wayne Campbell
That quote, I believe, says a lot about our friendship. LOVE YOU!!! Happy Birthday!

Bonus:

xoxo,
Simone

I heart you, Bill Haverchuck

2009-06-22T13:51:00.002-04:00

"You cut me off mid-funk!"

"Wait, I can't hear you, I have to put the phone on my bionic ear."

"What if I throw up in her mouth?"

Special Bonus Clip!
"Superstud, Sam! Go for superstud!"

Emergency Organ Transplant Dogs in Hospitals Chad Michael Murray What?

2009-06-07T14:27:00.001-04:00

Uh, any commentary would just serve to weaken the magic here.

500 days of Gag me with a Spoon

2009-06-01T10:16:00.004-04:00

Barf, you guys, just... barf:

UGH. "I love the Smiths"? BARF ME OUT, dude.

Thankfully Mary made a satire of this and it's fucking brilliant. WATCH IT!!!

Take THAT, cloyingly whimsical twee indie romance movies!

Drag me to HELLLLLLL

2009-05-31T00:16:00.003-04:00

If you haven't already seen DRAG ME TO HELL, Sam Raimi's return to horror flicks, what the HELL is wrong with you?!!!

It's got everything! Gypsy curses! Demons! Seances! And an amazing thing with a kitten that I can't tell you about but man... Raimi is back in fine form.

Who is this "Sam Raimi," you ask? Well, duh, he only directed the Evil Dead Trilogy! Which is the best!
Evil Dead

Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn

Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness*

As you can tell, Sam Raimi gets it. His horror is campy, funny, and not just a thinly veiled excuse to get off on women being tortured and killed. Also: awesome gore! The one thing I'll say about DRAG ME TO HELL is that I prefer the ridiculous creature effects of yore. CGI gore and evil just don't quite do it like karo syrup with red food coloring mixed in, you know what I mean?

Anyway, don't be a moron. Go see Drag me to Hell!

*not to be confused with the black parade

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2009-05-12T18:05:00.004-04:00

That's right, it's Eurovision song contest time! The time of year when European countries come together to celebrate the most ridiculous pop music they have to offer! Perhaps you remember past winners, Finnish gods of hard rock, LORDI? And can we ever truly forget that Vampires Are Alive? (Oh DJ Bobo, you so crazy!)

No, once you have seen what Eurovision has to offer, you can never un-see it. It is seared into your psyche forever. With that in mind, let's take a look at this years finalists! Only the most crazy, please!

First up we have the Czech Republic. The band is called "Gipsy.cz" and the song is called "Aven Romale." From what I've garnered from watching this video, the lead singer guy is a good gypsy who fights the evil gypsies and protects them from stealing your gold fillings/children or something. Whatever, there are gypsies! Hilarious!

Those Eastern European former soviet-bloc countries are always good for some craptasticly absurd pop music, am I right?

Next on our international tour of trash we have Bulgaria.

Is there anything better than eurotrash disco music videos set in the middle ages?

Maybe some slutty "Balkan Girls" from Romania:

Sluts from Turkey?

This guy in white pants from Russia?

We finally have an answer to the eternal question: Are we human, or are we dancer?

"I am dancer. And twins!"

Hungary's vision of our gay dystopian robo-homo future:

I am 1/4 Hungarian and my heart is swelling with pride. Single tear.

Like, what is even going on here, Belgium? I wish I knew how songs get chosen to be in eurovision. Like, are all of the record companies bribing the government? Is it like American Idol where "the people" vote? I mean, is this really what's popular in Belgium right now? Is it possible there are THAT MANY cheesy rockabilly people populating the country?

Also, Dear The Netherlands: First of all, the band you nominated is named "The Toppers." Do I have to explain to you what it means to be a "top" in the gay community? Because, like, this video is the gayest. Well, more like, it's as if everyone's dad came out of the closet and decided that it was time to "jazz it up a bit! Fosse!"

Alright, that's just about all I can deal with right now. I'd like to note that this year the contest is being held in Moscow, making it even more cheesy than usual. If that is in fact possible. And god knows who will win, but it will never be better than this:

That was a real high water mark for Eurovision. Come back Lordi! Eurovision needs you!

Boom Boom What?

2009-05-03T22:31:00.004-04:00

I saw this thing on mtv before this music video came out where the black eyed peas were talking about making this video and it was the MOST PRETENTIOUS THING EVER. Like, they were talking about how it's supposed to be about the future and like "becoming digital" or something. OMG, guys, I wish I could find it but there's only so many minutes (two) of my time that I am willing to spend researching the black eyed peas.

ANYHOO, wow, remember the black eyed peas? They sure are terrible. And they're back! With a serviceable but lame pop song that uses (SHOCKER) autotune! Wow, who would have though the completely original and unique BEPs would jump on that (played out) wagon!

Anyway, welcome to "Tron 2.0: The Re-Tronening!"

Okay, I'll admit that "I'm so 3008/you're so two thousand and late" is a turn of phrase worthy of Shakespeare. This much I know is true!

What's new in Misogynistic Pop Music

2009-05-03T22:27:00.004-04:00

I really don't have much to say about this video other than "those guys totally want to blow each other because they are homosexuals" and "Helen Keller is rolling over in her grave!"

Oh, and also, "Welcome to Pezville. Population: the band '3OH!3'." Yes that is seriously their name.

They Will Certainly Remember What Not To Do the Next Time a Whale Washes up on the Beach

2009-03-18T18:40:00.002-04:00

JUST WATCH IT.

Ghostriding the Whip Just Jumped the Shark

2009-03-13T14:02:00.004-04:00

That's right. I know, it's shocking, you wouldn't expect a 25 year old middle class white girl to be such an authority on ghostriding, but this is america. Anything is possible!

Seriously, though. What I don't know about ghostriding the whip could fill a novella. But what I know about how uncool Jesse McCartney and Ludacris could fill a book of short stories. They are dorks! I will beat them up on the playground and take their lunch money AND their LV wallets! I mean, really, Jesse McCartney is supposed to be sexually attractive? He looks like the kid from Malcom in the Middle, am I right? Check it out:

I hate to say it, but that song was made by evil geniuses who have figured out how to make the catchiest fucking song ever made. So. Fucking. Catchy. We're at Defcon-10 levels of catchiness here, people.

What, you don't even know what ghostriding the whip is? Stupid old people. Here, watch this handy instructional video:

You're welcome

Goth Harold

2009-02-16T19:33:00.004-05:00

The best 7 seconds of Harold and Kumar II are right here, ladies:

I love you gothic Harold!!!! xoxo!

Just When I Thought Usher Couldn't get Any Gayer...

2009-02-15T17:57:00.002-05:00

...he out-gays himself:

"Trading Places" by Ursher

Worst song ever, yo. BUT. OMG, he says "Usually I'm on the top, tonight i'm on the bottom." OMG!DKLAJFLKJDFLKJADFLAJKdkalsjkdkljsdl!!@#@!!!@#@!! How could anyone write that lyric, then sing it, and not realize that that is the GAYEST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY SING, EVER. I mean, other than "I am a homosexual." I guess the eternal question has been answered: Usher used to be a top, but now he's a bottom. (Possible power bottom).

Also: "Order Chinese food/then you can do me...let me wash my hands/she said hurry up/and get your ass in bed." GROSS.

This video is the worst also. Except for:

more animals

Actually, lately, Usher has been all about everything being invisible, or a product of his imagination, or some sort of fever-dream brought on by the overconsumption of poppers at the local gay bar. I'm talking about the video for "Love in this Club," of course, which Sony/BMG refuses to let me embed in this post. You'd think they'd be more grateful for all of the free publicity I'm giving Usher on this blog that is read by 3, count them, THREE people!

In conclusion, Usher is gay and I still think he looks like Mr. Lemonhead:

The Day the Music Died

2009-02-03T20:25:00.004-05:00

I have been at home all day working on my art and listening to the radio. And by the radio, I mean really bad pop music on Z100 and the mixed blessing that is CBS-FM. By "mixed" I mean that it isn't a proper oldies station anymore: now they play 80s music. 80s music like Peter Gabriel. DEAR GOD.

Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah. So cbs fm is always having, like, theme days. And todays theme is "the day the music died" because today is the 50 year anniversary of the plan crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Vallens, AND the Big Bopper. Who the fuck are those people, you ask? Well, stupid young people, Buddy Holly is the reason all young white men who like indie rock wear big black-framed nerd glasses. Ritchie Valens sang the original "La Bamba," not Lou Diamond Phillips. And the Big Bopper sang that creepy song "Chantilly Lace." (I mean, I always thought that song was creepy. Anyone? Anyone?)

THE POINT IS, that fucking terrible song "American Pie" by Don McClean includes the line "the day the music died" which is about this specific plane crash. And about white western masculine nostalgia about the days of old when women were in their place. You know, the usual. Anyway, whatever. That wasn't the day the music died.

No, the day the music died was September 28, 2008, when this was released:

Is there anything out there worse than lady gaga? Anyone? Anyone?

(As a side note, I'd like to state here and now that yes i read a lot of fashion blogs and guess what, all you "avante-garde-i'm-moving-to-berlin" betches: you dress like Lady Gaga. Who is a MAINSTREAM TOP 40 POP STAR! not so original now, are you?! mwahhahahaha!)

Live Every Week Like It's Shark Week

2009-01-23T22:25:00.002-05:00

Are We Human or Is We Spaceman?

2009-01-23T21:21:00.002-05:00

Brandon Flowers is all like "I am David Bowie to these poor tragic Burning Man attendees" in this video:

Spaceman

Simone: This looks like the Mighty Boosh.

Food, Fun, and Fashion, the Mall Has It All

2009-01-22T23:36:00.000-05:00

Are We Human or Is We Jesus?

2009-01-17T01:22:00.004-05:00

Brandon Flowers (if that is his real name! as if that is anybody's real name!) is all like "I am God to these poor tragic Mexicans" in this video:

What's the Mormon Church's stance of Freddie Mercury mustaches? I thought they were totally like coffee or suits covered in plumes from the rarest cocaine-fed ostriches:

Career Advice for Aging Rock Stars

2009-01-14T23:53:00.004-05:00

Simone: While high out of my mind on the airplane on some sort of prescription painkiller that made me horribly nauseous about halfway throught my flight, I was thinking about Courtney Love, and how she's never gonna really get to have a comeback, because she's an "old lady" now, and has totally fucked up her face and shit, but Mickey ROURKE, of all people, who is old and has a terrible face and shit gets to have a "critically acclaimed" comeback. I mean, at least Robert Downey Jr. kept his looks! But man! Mickey Rourke! And Courtney will never get to be critically acclaimed!

Gaby: I think if Courtney fell out of the public eye for a while, and then came back doing something completely different and weird (like, world music or electronica or something) and acted like she had matured emotionally at least a little or something, I do think she could have a comeback, even though she does kind of look like Mickey Rourke. I think she can't have a comeback right now because you gotta go away to come back! (a la Marianne F.)

Gaby: Man, I can't believe C. Love herself hasn't thought of this! If I were her, I would like fucking go out to Russia or Turkmenistan or something, disappear for a few years, and then come back knowing all this crazy shit and basically become Brian Eno. It would be good for Frances Bean, too! Keep her away from all those Teen Vogue people.

Gaby: The real sad story is I think CL is so addicted to any kind of press attention and famous friends and, like, going to Valentino's pool parties in Monoco or whatever, she could never help herself and the world by going away and coming back and letting herself become genuinely cool or interesting. Now that I think about this, this is also my prescription for Stevie Nicks! I'm actually way more stoked for a Stevie Nicks electronica world music comeback. Oh man, what if they BOTH did it and then like Courtney was David Byrne and Stevie was Brian Eno, and they basically made "My Life in the Bush of Ghosts" or whatever for like the 21st century? Courtney already took the first step to this collaboration a long while back:

Gaby: This is a blog post, isn't it?

Simone: Uh, obviously!

Merry Xmas, Betches

2008-12-25T17:41:00.001-05:00

I'd like to make a shout out to my girl Gaby! Hey baby, this one's for you:

You Do Fosse Fosse Fosse, But You Keep It All Inside

2008-11-26T22:12:00.004-05:00

So Simone said to me, "Gaby, you need to write a post for our blog. You never write for the blog!" and she kept saying that for a few months, so I went to the blog tonight to prove her wrong, and then it turned out that I hadn't written anything since like June. Oops! So anyway, here I am (rocking me like a hurricane is optional).

So, let's get down to business: Beyonce's "Single Ladies" is way retarded and regressive and stuff (like all her dating songs! See not just the one about if she was a boy, but also the one about how she was crazy in love, and also the one she did with Missy about how she doesn't need to leave the house anymore because she's got a man. For serious! Beyonce Giselle Knowles! Go to your room!), but then also addictive and awesome, in no small part because of the video:

I'm sure that video will be gone within hours of my posting this, but try to imagine anyway. So ANYWAY, the video is full of incredible dancing (and a tranny! it's a surprise, like an easter egg for dedicated viewers). "How cool and innovative!" I thought. Simone told me she loved the retro feeling.

Well, it turns out there is a good reason for this retro feeling! 'Yonce was apparently inspired by the 1969 Bob Fosse-choreographed dance routine "Mexican Breakfast", staring the eternally sassy Gwen "Legs" Verdon:

And duh, where have I seen that all before?:

That song is so annoying that I never made it all the way through the video. But apparently Beyonce did! I didn't do any investigative research here--Beyonce said all this on the fine BET program "106 & Park"--but I thought it might increase/ decrease everyone's enjoyment, whichever one it takes to get everyone to focus on Beyonce's dangerous conservative agenda for America. You're welcome, America!

Shoot Them in the Brains, If You Want to Live

2008-11-10T13:32:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I didn't know about this before Halloween. So, Happy Late Halloween, guys!

That was Lesley and the Ly's doing "Zombie Killer." I'm not, like, a big fan of Lesley and the Ly's, but that song had ELVIRA in it, yo! MISTRESS OF THE DARK.

ALSO, did you know Elvira had a song? Yeah. Apparently it was in her movie, "Elvira: Mistress of the Dark." It involves chippendale's dancers dressed like devils and Elvira riding on the hood of a car and rapping. I guess it WAS the 80's, everyone was doing terrible rapping in the middle of their campfests. Also, she is not just a mistress of the dark, but of boob tassles. Please watch:

If you're like me, though, you mostly remember Elvira from commercials. I couldn't remember what kind of commercials until I stumbled upon this one for coors light.

Here's another one:

I had completely forgotten that Coors is the official beer of Halloween. Thanks, Elvira!

Mariah Carey IS Nomi Mallone IN "Showgirls" the Movie!

2008-10-27T23:35:00.003-04:00

Mariah Carey's new music video, "I stay in love":

TOTALLY that was inspired by Showgirls! I'm sure Mariah wasn't aware of it, but some gay of hers totally decided to make that video all Showgirls-esque. I mean, COME ON.

Thrust it!

Ohmigod, I haven't watched Showgirls in SO LONG. I forgot how amazing it is! Why hasn't anyone bought me the special collector's edition DVD for my birthday/Xmas yet? What a travesty! Brown rice and vegetables!

See, Darlin', you are a whore!

Also, who is the genius who set these few minutes of Showgirls to the song "My Heart Will Go On"? AMAZING. Just watch the first, like, 40 seconds. SERIOUSLY, IT'S THE BEST.

I'm sure I've posted this before, but man, the trailer for Showgirls is so great. AUGH. I CAN'T WAIT FOR MIDNIGHT MASSSSS!

Best Cat Video Ever

2008-09-30T09:19:00.003-04:00

Whenever I'm feeling down, like, say, when I'm consistently rejected from various studio space artist grant thingies, nothing cheers me up better than a good, old-fashioned cat video on youtube. This is probably my favorite. Guaranteed to make you laugh!

In other news, Fuck You, every artist grant/studio space/residency program thingy I've ever applied to! I hate you all!

SAVE BITCH MAGAZINE

2008-09-17T09:11:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, the US government bailed out American International Group Inc, an insurance company, for 85 Billion Dollars. Because the government has nothing better to do with our tax money than spend it fighting endless wars and handing out welfare to big name companies. Magically, giant companies like this are helped out when their finances go bad. Individual people, poor people, poor families, independent businesses: I guess they can go fuck themselves. Somehow, our government is able to save this giant corporation but was not able to act in any sort of divisive way during and after hurricane Katrina. There is no money in the government for education (unless it's to make sure poor children are consistently left behind), or for the arts, or for science, but boy howdy does the uncle same have some bank FOR YOU if you've been paying your CEOs zillions of dollars a year to go play golf or whatever.

Which brings me to my point. Bitch magazine is going to go under unless we, the people, band together and bail them out. And all they need is $40,000! Easy as pie, right? I mean, they government isn't going to help them. Gone are the days when there were government grants to do anything remotely artistic, or intellectual. And we all know the government also hates feminists. (See: Palin, Sarah, and her nomination for VP). No, all us small folk need to donate our hard earned money to save the best and ONLY feminist pop culture criticism magazine on the market. It's been around for nearly 13 years and it's been a struggle since the beginning. Both of my roomates have written articles for Bitch, where else is someone gonna publish a feminist critique of 2nd life or Mean Girls? Bitch is one of the few venues for feminist writing that is not academic, and getting it in my mailbox four times a year is a joy! Don't let them take it away! Here's a video Andi and Debi made asking for help:

Watch it and give what you can here.

Go to Mary's blog to read her possibly more coherent post about this topic.

PLEASE HELP ME SAVE BITCH MAGAZINE!!!!!

Dear Miley Cyrus,

2008-09-02T14:20:00.003-04:00

Okay, so, I guess your album (uh, do you have more than one? Like, is that one with you singing into possibly the most phallic golden hitachi-magic-wand-esque microphone ever new?), which I have never listened to, is like the ultimate in postmodernist pop extremism. I say this based on the two songs I've heard of yours, the first one being that one "see you again" or whatever it was called that was basically a gay dance anthem, the second being "7 Things," which is like power punk? pop punk? whatever. I'm assuming that each song on your album is a different genre of music, like, the next single you put out will be an adult contemporary ballad (a-la Leona Lewis's "bleeding love") and then you'll have a song that's a little bit country, a little bit rock n roll (shout out to daddy!) and then maybe the next single will break out some hot latin dancehall. WHATEVER.

The point is, I appreciate that you have adolescent girls in your video for "7 things." Adolescent girls are rarely represented as anything other than boy-obsessed bitchy mean shopaholics in the media (hello, my super sweet sixteen, queen bees, gossip girl) and I guess having a semi-diverse cast of girls jumping around and hugging their stuffed animals is better than having them bouncing around in bikinis on the hood of your low rider. I mean, girls do get sad and cry to their stuffed animals about boys (or girls), and they do like to scream and jump around and stuff. But I will stop way short of saying that this video is empowering for girls. Because the girls in the video are jummping around and whatever but they're not playing the music themselves. They're playing air guitar and acting out the motions of rocking out but your band is made entirely of men who look at least 10-15 years older than you. And for some reason this is making me deeply sad. I mean, the Jonas Brothers get to hold guitars. But I have yet to see any of these disney girl stars lay their hands on any gear other than a microphone. Maybe you should listen to this song, Miley, and think about that:

FYI, that was The Perfectionists performing their song "Rock N Roll Girl" at the Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls second session showcase concert. Pretty fabulous, huh? And they did that in a week without help from their famous daddies.
XOXO Simone

The Pez-Time Continuum

2008-08-03T09:57:00.005-04:00

We're through the looking glass, people:

That was some cookie-cutter emo-pop band called "All Time Low" with their hipster pez TO THE EXTREME video, "poppin'." I mean, I guess the retarded hipster "ohmigod look at me I'm wearing, like, workout clothes from the 80s!!! LOOK AT MY RETARDED HEADBAND!!!" look has reached it's saturation point and is now mainstream. I mean, I definitely saw this video on MTV on friday night. Also, we all know that skinny white boys acting like they're black hip hop stars never gets old! Way to trade one kind of male privilege and entitlement for another, fellas! Not to mention midgets! And stupid choreographed dance moves! Way to raise the wackiness bar, guys!

Sigh. I hate the young kids and their youth culture.

Hollywood Hates Miley Cyrus

2008-06-23T22:19:00.004-04:00

Little Miley Cyrus appears to have gotten herself involved in a little dance-off battle with the director of "Step Up 2 the Streets" and his protege, the "I Hope That Guy is 18 Because I Am Sexually Attracted to Him" guy from "Step Up 2 the Streets", collectively known as the "Adam Chu Dance Crew. " That was foolish, Miley--that was like a duck challenging a gun to a murder contest. And now every famous person in Hollywood hates you and can also dance better than you, Miley! Oh no! Sadz!:

Also, even if you think you don't want to watch this video or watch it all the way through: um, what if I told you that at about six minutes in, there is a CAMEO by LOHAN where she BUSTS THROUGH SOME CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS OF HERSELF and then DANCES? Followed by a cameo by DIANNA ROSS where she clearly has NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON? You'd say, "Gaby, that sounds better than seeing 'The Incredible Hulk'" and YOU WOULD BE RIGHT!

You're Standing on My Neck

2008-06-16T11:16:00.003-04:00

It's a sick sad world we live in. A world where Daria is not available on DVD, due to "licensing problems." A world where pre-teen and teen girls' mass-media role models are either flashing their vaginas or toeing the Disney party-line. A world where there is no space in the media for girls who are cynical, funny (and not in a "whoops-I-just-fell-down-because-i'm-so-cute-and-helpless!" kind of way), and most of all CRITICAL of the mass culture they are being fed on MTV and the Disney Channel and in their schools and homes and churches and teen bop magazine EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.

Let's reminisce of a time when there was an alternative to this culture of conformity. Let's remember Daria. Daria ran on MTV from 1997 - 2002. It was a spin-off from the series Beavis and Butthead. And it was great, until the 4th season, when Jane falls for this rich boy, and then both she and Daria have boyfriends, and I still resent the writers going that, because the show was essentially about Jane and Daria's friendship! It wasn't about boys! It was about making fun of shit and watching Sick Sad World together and fucking with dumb jocks! But I'm getting ahead of myself here...

Daria was SMART, and not in a boring grades-and-SAT-scores kind of way (though I'm sure she could have if she tried, if she CARED). She was sharp, she observed what was going on around her, and made the educated decision to not engage with her retarded peers. She and Jane made a great comedic pair, both of them droll and blase, confusing their classmates with their cynical comments. Daria and Jane's relationship really resonated with me as a teenager (and still does) because it was pretty much exactly like my relationships with my friends. We existed on the fringes of our high school, and basically made fun of the preps (though they were "the flagpole people" to us, since they hung out around... the flagpole) and were too busy trying to "freak out the squares" and cutting class and making a really big effort not to fit in to... well, you know, fit in. Daria didn't want to fit in either. And I guess that's what this all comes down to: for the first and, perhaps, only time in my life, there was a character in the mass media that I could relate to. It's almost a chicken and the egg question: Did I become a cynical because of Daria? Or did she just make it seem cool to be more truly myself? Did I start critiquing pop culture because of her and Jane? Do I now enjoy trashy pulp-fiction type crap because of Sick Sad World? Who knows? What I do know is that Daria lit up a lightbulb inside my head that said that it was cool to be different, it was cool to not be everyone's friend. And it was cool to make art like Jane, and wear combat boots and have glasses and black tights and have an opinion and question what your teachers tell you in history class. She was a feminist icon, before I understood what feminism was, or that I was a feminist. Daria was an important and necessary alternative to the teeny-bop, midriff-top, sparkle plenty, smiley blonde girl culture of the late 90s. Daria remains necessary.

I've been holding off on making a Daria post for a long time, simply because there wasn't anything up on youtube worth posting. There was, like, parts of an episode with French subtitles. And shit people made themselves. UNTIL NOW. Some wonderful, amazing person has uploaded ALL of the episodes on youtube. I'm not kidding. So, for the first time in years, here's the first episode of Daria, in it's entirety. When I watched this episode for the first time in probably 8 years or something a few days ago, I was shocked over how much it still resonated with me. I had forgotten how awesome the opening sequence is (hell no she isn't gonna play volleyball, fuck y'all), how awesome Daria is, basically, wow, is it awesome! Awesome awesome awesome. Without further ado...

If you want to watch the rest of the series, click on these videos to get to youtube, and you'll see that the user who posted these videos has all of them. Go for it!

Summer, summer, summertime

2008-05-25T13:40:00.003-04:00

That pretty much says it all, don't it? Well, I guess it's "officially summer," since it's memorial day weekend and we all know seasons don't change due to, like, equinoxes or whatever. They are "official" when we celebrate war or president or whatever by buying things and having 3 day weekends! At least that's what the guys on the radio keep telling me.

ANYWAYZ, since it's summer now, I guess it's time to start thinking about my favorite kind of jams. Summer Jams. Let's listen now.

1. The Troggs, "Love is all Around"
I guess this is kinda more of a spring jam. The video for it is such a relic from the semi-psychedelic mid late 60s (flowers painted on a girl's face! everything is covered in tinfoil! Is your mind BLOWN yet or what?!!!!).

2. C-Side w/ Keyshia Cole, "Boyfriend/Girlfriend"
This song has been out for a while but it's the perfect summer jam. Cute, danceable, and catchy as hell. Also, there's a reference to myspace, and one's girlfriend being "#1 on my top 8," which is fucking hilarious and pretty much lays bare that this song was made with 15 year olds in mind.

Well, that's all I've got for right now. More to come, as summer unravels.

Clash of the Cultures!

2008-05-20T21:53:00.003-04:00

As our beloved reading populace may or may not know, Simone is a city mouse and I (Gaby) am a suburban mouse (from a terrifying, mall-centric Connecticut suburb, at that). That means that while Simone got to grow up knowing all sorts of people and cultures and also understanding what exactly Thai food was, I grew up somewhere where everyone and everything was steeped in a thick, juicy stew of white male discontent, WASPy emotional crippledness, and the scent of Mrs. Paul's fish sticks. I think I have mostly transcended these fiercely flawed beginnings, but every so often, something comes up that proves that you can take the girl out of the suburbs, but you can't change the fact that she did not meet any non-white people until 1988. This past Saturday night was one such occassion.

This Past Saturday Night: A Condensed Dramatization (because I do not remember what exactly what was said)

Simone:..OutKast had that song, "A.D.I.D.A.S."
Me: "A.D.I.D.A.S."? That can't be right. That was a Korn song!
Simone: I am definitely not talking about a Korn song.

And it turned out there are two songs called "A.D.I.D.A.S", standing for "All Day I Dream About Sex."

Here's the version Simone got to grow up with:

And here's the "A.D.I.D.A.S." I grew up with:

Um, I have no idea how I made it out of that place even partially intact.

Guilty Pleasures Monday

2008-05-12T16:11:00.004-04:00

We haven't had a guilty pleasures Monday in a while, perhaps because I finally learned to stop worrying and love crappy pop music. However, there are some pleasures that will always be guilty. Such as Rod Stewart. I mean, just looking at him makes me feel like I'm going to get herpes. He's ugly, people! But the song "Young Turks" is so great! In a horrible soft-rock kinda way.

Maybe I love this song because that organ sound that's going on in the background there reminds me of that song "California Sun," which figured prominently in my childhood because it was of the theme song for the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk commercials.

Or maybe I'm just hypnotized by Rod's hair. It's so fluffy! It floats up and down, up and down... must... buy... rod... stewart... records...

whoa, okay. Where was I? Oh yeah, Rod Stewart, he has V.D. Anyway, ANOTHER major guilty pleasure of mine (and also gaby's: when we lived together in college, whenever this song came on the radio she would turn it up really loud and we would dance around. It made for a nice study break. Mustard-onion pretzels may have also been involved, but I'll neither confirm nor deny such allegations.)is the song "Maggie May." Yeah, it's gay. But it's also great! And I didn't know it was actually a Faces song. So, you learn something new every day.

Uh, the end.

JT is a DB

2008-04-26T18:49:00.004-04:00

One night somewhere in the middle of our cross-country road trip, Mary, Dan, and I ended up in a motel where there were like 6 cable channels and HBO. There was absolutely nothing on, so Mary and I ended up doing something I am am not proud of - we watched part of the HBO Justin Timberlake special of his latest tour. And, like, wow. I mean, we all know JT is a douchebag, but were you aware of just HOW MUCH of a douchebag he is? Well, luckily, you don't have to watch the whole concert video, or even the 30 minutes or so we caught. Someone has thoughtfully distilled all of his douchebaggery into two ever-so-watchable minutes. I recommend watching it, then reading this post mary did about JT and how everyone forgets that he was, like, in NSYNC. You know, for shits and giggles. Enjoy!

Vandalism Overpass

2008-03-23T20:14:00.006-04:00

It has been established, on this blog (and in, you know, the world) that Prince is one crazy ass bitch. It is a point that I have made on this blog time and time and time and time and time and time again.

You'd think I'd've run out for things to say. But then I turned on the tv this evening and what did I see? Prince himself, wearing a black and white one-sleeved harlequin print cape... thing. And Adam Ant-esque makeup. Performing one of the worst songs I have ever heard. Yes yes y'all, it was Graffiti Bridge.

Ohmigod, this movie! It's so horrible, yet so fascinating, and I couldn't look away. It's like the gayest train wreck you've ever seen. From what I cobbled together from wikipedia, apparently Graffiti Bridge was supposed to be the sequel to Purple Rain. Prince reprises his role as "The Kid," as does Morris Day and the Time. And that's pretty much where any semblance of it being sequel ends. Apparently the whole plot has something to do with Morris Day being the, like, feudal lord of the nightclub world of Minneapolis, and The Kid is downtrodden and just wants to make beautiful music about the lord, man! And wear amazingly ridiculous clothing. At one point, Prince performs wearing a one-shouldered black jersey jumpsuit with a heart painted on his bare chest that has "beat me" written inside of it. SERIOUSLY.

Of course, Prince being the crazy bitch he is, there are no videos from Graffiti Bridge available online. EXCEPT THIS ONE. Which is a remix video some bored person made out of the trailer. And is actually pretty funny.

In other interesting Graffiti Bridge facts, George Clinton, Marva Staples, and the young Tevin Campbell all have small roles in it. Why did they agree to this? I assume George Clinton was probably toked out of his mind, Marva didn't know what was going on, and poor young Tevin was like 12 and had no idea what he was getting into. Madonna, who you may remember from such self-indulgent gems as "Truth or Dare" and the extremely well received "Who's That Girl" TURNED DOWN a role in Graffiti Bridge because it was so poorly written.

Anyway, in my attempt to find videos of Prince, I found this totally bizarre, incredibly poor quality video of James Brown at some weird telethon calling Michael Jackson, and then Prince himself up to the stage. Prince piggyback rides his bodyguard up to the stage, and then humps a guitar for approximately 30 seconds, before letting out a shriek and exiting the stage, but not before knocking over part of the set. CRAZY. BITCH.

Speak! A Critical Re-evaluation of the Best Record by Lindsay Lohan That I Bet You Forgot Even Existed

2008-03-17T22:53:00.003-04:00

In light of what we now know about Blow-han, this song is pretty ironic. You're just having "fun", eh, Lind-saaaaay?

I was trying to write a sentence under here along the lines of "Lindsay singing this is like X", but all I kept coming up with was weird jokes about Holocaust deniers. Odd!

Moving along!

Do you remember how they let her DIRECT this???

I wanna come first, too, Linds. We all do.

teedle-lee-hee

2008-03-17T11:19:00.002-04:00

Today is St. Patrick's day. And if there's anything I love, it's makin' fun of Micks.

Hah!

This Came on As a Commercial While I Was Watching "Coyote Ugly"

2008-03-16T00:03:00.002-04:00

Everything that you think is funny enough to blog about while drunk is probably going to be just as funny when you're sober, right? Right, guys? Guys????

The Original Pussies

2008-03-08T16:40:00.004-05:00

The other day I was listening to CBS-FM, ("the greatest hits of all time!") with all of the old ladies from, like, Long Island and North Jersey, and "Paint is Black" by the Rolling Stones came on. Now, like most people, I went through a period in high school where I thought the Stones were, like, really good. They were deep. And rocking. And very, very cool. The thing is, I'm sure there are plenty of grown people out there who are willing to agree with this. Or, even if you're not into the Rolling Stones, and are pretty ambivalent, it's like, yeah, they are good musicians, you have respect for them, etc.

HOWEVER.

Has no one else stopped to think that with this song, the Rolling Stones are THE ORIGINATORS OF EMO? I mean, have you ever actually listened to "Paint it Black?"

Let's listen now:

Ohmigod. Okay, "I see a red door and I want to paint it black/NO COLOR ANYMORE I WANT IT TO TURN BLACK." Oh woe is you Mick Jagger life is so hard wah wah... "I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes/I have to turn my head until my darkness goes." Not the darkness! oh no, the girls! and the darkness!

This could be a song by Dashboard Confessional. It sounds like they should consider collaborating with Fall Out Boy.

Or maybe they should just give in and finally join the black parade.

The Most Offensive Performance by a Racist Hooker Marionette That You Will See Today*

2008-03-05T08:14:00.003-05:00

* (unless you lead a very, very different life than I).

Last night Simone and I were having a discussion about how Winona Ryder looks so bony and weird these days, she sort of resembles the puzzlingly popular 1970s hand puppet "Madame" (it's true, look at any picture of her taken these days. Nonie needs to eat a muffin). This, of course, sent us wheeling down some of the weirder back alleys of the internets in pursuit of more information about this "Madame", and this is what we found out:

1. She is puppeteered by a mo named Wayland Flowers, who totally can't even be bothered to throw his voice

2. Madame had no problem working around hooker puppets who embody the worst in racial stereotypes.

3. For a puppet, she certainly has no problem making beej jokes.

All of these facts are confirmed by the video below, though you'll have to wait until 3:14 minutes in for the hooker puppet:

Touch My Bod-ay! TOUCH IT!

2008-03-02T21:52:00.004-05:00

Gaby and I both agree that we love that Mariah Carey has (apparently) finally made peace with the fact that she has become too famous to live any semblance of a normal life, and consequently is just camping it up TO THE EXTREME. I mean, just have a look at her video for her new single, "Touch My Body":

I mean, first of all, the song itself is an amazing pop gem. She's singing about making a sex tape. And youuu-tuuuuube. And then she sings, bizarrely, "I will hunt you down!" With all that, and lines like "I want you to caress me like a tropical breeze," this song is just ACHING for some drag queen performance action. Not to mention the video: First of all, that "nerd" guy is not supposed to be gay? like, in real life he's a totally obnoxious gay comedian, right? And the outfits! A drag dream! AND THERE'S A UNICORN. I mean, really. It doesn't get much better. Don't change, Mimi. Don't ever change.

Hot Buns!

2008-03-01T12:02:00.003-05:00

...Must...eat...whole...grains...while...dancing...erotically....

That Devil Done Ran

2008-02-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day, or Whatever

2008-02-14T16:28:00.002-05:00

I forgot it was Valentine's day until 1) my roomate sent me an email proclaiming her love for me, and then I forgot about it again until 2) my sister sent me this video:

So, happy valentine's day, y'all.

La-La, eh-lo-eh-lo-vee-ee, Ay-ya-ya: WTF?

2008-02-12T17:43:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen the new Ashlee Simpson video? Probably not, I mean, I'm pretty sure there isn't anyone who reads this blog who spends as much time as I do watching the N. Anyway, Degrassi comes on at 5, I had the day off, and I tuned in a few minutes early for my favorite Canadian teen drama. And lo and behold, there it was. This:

IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE? Am I supposed to just sit back complacently and agree that, yes, this is music, it's totally valid that this video got made? Is "Ay ya ya" really acceptable as a chorus in the pop music world these days? Did some D-grade David Lachapelle wannabe direct this video? DEAR GOD, ARE THOSE PLATFORM BOOTS?

I H8 NY

2008-02-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

Okay, I don't actually hate New York, per se. But the subway, sometimes... oh, the subway...

I Can Only Imagine What Angelica Houston Must Have Been Thinking

2008-02-07T00:06:00.000-05:00

And Raoul Julia, in the final precious years of his life, wasted probably whole days working on this video! Horrors! I remembered this as charming camp, but when I watched it again, it turned out that it was not camp at all, just a bunch of awful dudes in plastic new wave pope-style hats. Oh, well.

My Big Fat Terrifying Atonal Acid Freak-out Dionne Warwick Bar Mitzvah

2008-01-20T23:20:00.000-05:00

But where is the bar mitzvah boy? Is he in the restroom, trying to slit his wrists on the jagged edge of the paper towel dispenser? It's rare that I find something on Youtube that simultaneously makes me laugh AND makes me feel better about kind of not talking to anyone in my family, but then there ya go right there. Maybe 2008 will be different! Finally!

"Deliver me a hit record... or take you shit!"

2008-01-16T12:59:00.000-05:00

Um, I can't really express, personally, how excited I am about the new season of making the band, MAKING THE BAND 4: BATTLE OF THE BANDS, AND LIKE, I GUESS, DONNIE THAT GUIDO FROM LONG ISLAND OR JERSEY OR WHATEVER WHO APPARENTLY HAS TO MAKE A SOLO ALBUM? ANYWAY WHATEVER... so N-E-WAYZ I am super excited but I'm having a hard time expressing that, so I figured I would just let some of the people who commented on the various promos diddy has up on his youtube channel speak for me:

how did i know this blonde chick from danity kane was gon mess with dionne -
staceysmom00

Bad Boy Baby!! I'm Not Going To Let You Fuck Up My Money! -
KIDIZNYCE

i cant wait!!! there's no bitch assness allowed at bad boy -
zakiyakidd

LoL..Wonder Who..Big Mike Is Going To Get With???.... But Damn This IS Going To Be Mad Drama, With The Girls, And The Guys, And Then I Feel Sorry For Donnie Cuz Its Just Him Working On His Solo But Damn..Diddy Knows What The People Want! -
FRESHERRRR23

oh my goodneeeeeeeess! im so freaking shocked (in a good way loll)! thats gonna be intense!!! man Que and Dawn? daaaaaaaaaaaamn! thats gonna be the biggidy bomb! man i can wait for the albums to come out! oh crap and Aubrey wants to date with Donnie, and he got his eyes on other girls? damn thats gonna be the best season of making the band! its gonna mark history! -
mermadious

That's right people, this show is not only the biggidy bomb, it's also going mark history! I mean, how can you not watch?

Johnny Cash: Yet Another Musician/Comedian

2008-01-16T12:49:00.000-05:00

This is a video of Johnny Cash impersonating Elvis back when Elvis was a hot tamale and not a warm fluffer-nutter. Anyway, it's pretty damn funny. Who knew Johnny Cash was such a comedian?

She's Not a Guitarist, She's a Comedian.

2008-01-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

Here's some little sketch with Carrie Brownstein (Sleater-Kinney) and Fred Armisen as feminist bookstore workers.

"I heart darkness." Brilliant.

I Am Too Lazy to Get Out of Bed to Turn Up the Heat, Even

2007-12-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

I thought that, in my week off, I would write a novel and go to every museum ever and also maybe finally figure out what a "credit score" is. The reality of it has been, I barely have the energy to eat yogurt in bed while watching straight-to-video horror movies featuring Patricia Clarkson. It's a tough life, I know. Watch these Rasputina videos and shut up, then. God, can you imagine if we still ran around wearing corsets? I would be so tired after getting dressed I would immediately have to go back to bed.

Merry Xmas, M-F'ers

2007-12-25T18:01:00.000-05:00

You know, Pee Wee used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid, but now I realize that it's pretty much totally amazing that it ever was allowed on the air. I mean, can you imagine this on network tv today?

ho ho ho!

Look, Prince, we only want to see you in the purple rain. That's all we ask for!

2007-12-16T21:12:00.000-05:00

I had to put this up because, well, it's important we all watch videos of Prince before he forces the internet gods to take them down.

purple rain

Add to My Profile | More Videos

That's right, Prince! Make them cry, in all their asymmetical-haircut glory! Cry, plebians, cry at the mastery of Prince, your guitar god from the 23rd century! It's a purple revolution, people! Bow at his tiny, cuban-heeled feet! Mwahhahahaaaaaahaaaa!

All's Fair in Love and Robot War

2007-12-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

While assembling furniture from Ikea this weekend, (which, by the way, I am now an expert at, my dears) I ended up watching god knows how many episodes of the BBC series "Spaced" because I originally tried listening to the radio but everything is christmas music, christmas music, christmas music these days! goddamnit!!!! auurruuuuuugghhhhh!!!

...Anyway, Spaced is this comedy about two people who meet randomly in a coffee shop and are both looking for a place to live. They decide to pretend to be a "professional couple" in order to meet the requirements of a flat they want to rent. It ran on the BBC for two seasons in 1999 and 2001. Anyway, it's pretty funny. Oh, and they guy in it, Tim, is Simon Pegg, you know, the guy who did Shaun of the Dead. Anyway, he and Jessica Hynes (who plays Daisy) created and wrote the series. They won awards for it, blah di blah.

The point is, I thought the series was funny, but not brilliant, until I saw this episode. It's the third episode of the second season, and Daisy's storyline is just... it's perfect. She's turned down for, I guess, the British version of welfare, and has to sign up at a temp agency to find a job... I feel like on British tv there are often storylines about what creative people do to get by in a cruel world that doesn't appreciate creativity... anyway, I really empathize with her plight on this epidsode.

Also, there are robot wars! enjoy!

Homonyms

2007-12-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows that this

sounds like this

but have you ever thought that this

sounds a bit like this?

I mean, after the synths really kick in.

Even though the Basement Jaxx song actually samples this song

Of course, they speed it up and such. I had some other comparison prepared that had something to do with the Beatles, but then it turns out that I don't care about the Beatles, but might have a developing interest in Gary Numan! It's important to constantly be discovering new things about life.

Lady Rappers: The First in a New Series!

2007-12-05T21:51:00.000-05:00

Today's episode: up and coming lady rappers!

Kid Sister's Pro Nails:

vs.

Riskay's Smell Yo Dick:

So who wins? Well, Kid Sister does have a good dance beat and it's kind of fun, and kind of reminds me of Neneh Cherry. But I bet it's being played in American Apparel, like, right this very second. Whereas, I don't think Riskay runs the risk (ha!) of being co-opted in such a way--oddly enough, not because of her subject matter, but because it's a BALLAD about smelling some dude's dick. Also, its a song about smelling some dude's dick. Riskay wins!

But then again, why don't we just cut out the middle man and listen to Neneh Cherry?:

Whose brother is late-9os guilty pleasure Eagle Eye Cherry:

Online Videos by Veoh.com

That last association wasn't going anywhere, I was just looking for a reason to put up that up because, you know, it's from the 90s. I've had a hard day, okay, people?Some dude rubbed his boner on me on the subway but I didn't say anything because it was rush hour and I kept hoping it was an umbrella. I'm stressed out, and I get to post Eagle Eye Cherry videos if I want to. Also:

You gotta let em know...they can't rub their boner on you during rush hour! Next time I won't give you the benefit of the doubt, fucker!
Related: my mom loves that song. As well as this related hot female empowerment jam:

My mom loves Xtina. She's really happy that she's finally settled in her life.

Ah, now I feel better. I hope everyone feels more empowered!

Combatting Seasonal Affective Disorder the Only Way We Know How

2007-12-04T22:35:00.001-05:00

um, yeah. wowee wow.

2007-12-01T17:34:00.000-05:00

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

2007-11-30T11:08:00.001-05:00

What is up with the checkout people at Trader Joes in NYC? Does TJs buy high-quality speed laced with exstacy in bulk and then sell it under the TJs brand name to its employees at low, low prices? Because, granted, I don't go there very often, but the few times I have, the person checking me out has been soooo fucking chatty. Last night, I was forced to discuss my work situation at length with an overly peppy gay man. In the past, I've been incessantly hit on at the wine store.

And then there's the time a woman ringing me up decided to tell me about what an incredibly fine man George Michael is/was. A BIOLOGICALLY FEMALE WOMAN.

The thing is, the sentiment that George Michael was foine, voiced by a woman, would have been totally acceptable about 20-25 years ago. But I mean, we've learned a lot since WHAM!, right? Like, that George Michael is GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.... But seriously, what was up with WHAM! being considered "hot" throughout the 80s and George Michael continuing to be a a "sex symbol" for women well into the 90s?

Hopefully you just watched one of WHAM!'s first appearances on Top of the Pops, "singing" the song "Bad Boys," in 1983. You'll see that both members of wham are rocking a look I like to call "Classic Gay Leather (soft version)" and George Michael is prancing around singing about Daddies and Bad Boys... Now, officially, this song is supposed to be about a teenager fighting with his parents, but I think we all know what it's really about. That's right, leather daddies.

In 1984, WHAM! decided it was time for an image change. Out went the leather daddies and in came the giant white tshirts that told us to "choose life," along with a few shuttlecocks stuffed down the white pants for good measure. (Yes, seriously, there was a controversy about how the lads from WHAM! were stuffing with shuttlecocks. GAY.)And then came "Wake me up Before You Go Go," WHAM!'s biggest hit, which has it's own totally gay backstory. Andrew Ridgely (the one who isn't George Michael) left GM a note when they were at a hotel one night that said "wake me up up before you go go." But, obviously, what it really said "wake me up up before you go go to the gay leather bar because i want to come too! (I love bears!!!) okay ttfn!"

Yeah. I mean, look at that. The cavorting, the white pants, the fake guitar playing... It all point clearly at gay. And yet, they were not perceived as such. What is the possible explanation for this? The only thing that comes to my mind is that they were popular with teenage girls. And the thing about being a teenage girl is, you don't understand when boys are gay. I personally had a die-hard crush on one of my gay friends, who, looking back on it, was EXTREMELY flaming, (though he wasn't yet out of the closet) for like 2 years in high school. So, i can understand the confusion when presented with squeaky-clean, cute, non-threatening pop stars who just wanna "go go" and not, like, force their hands down your pants without asking at makeout point or whatever. (though also, I don't really thing george michael was "cute" really... but then again, neither were any of the members of NSYNC, so what do I know?)

What really confounds me is that George Michael somehow managed to continue to be a straight sex symbol during his solo career. I mean, seriously, watch this:

First off, there's the fixation on the ass - GAY. Then there's the bedazzled leather jacket, the reflective aviators, the single dangly earring, and the facial hair. GAYYYYYY. Did you ever wonder how he got so many supermodels in his video for "Freedom 90"? Because he's gay. And the gays love fashion!

Of course, then he got caught being totally gay in a public restroom in some park, and the rest is history. There would be no more rumors of his supposed relationships with the likes of Brooke Sheilds and Whoopi Goldberg (!...i guess everyone was a beard there...). Nope, GM was officially forced out of the closet, kicking and screaming. After paying an $810 fine and doing 80 hours of community service, GM came back with "Outside," an anthem of gayness if there ever was one. The video... well, the video is a high camp classic, y'all. There's a disco in the men's room, and everyone is invited! No need to RSVP!

...By the way, is he saying "keep on fucking" at the end of that video? I can't tell.

Anyway, here are some facts that I didn't fit into the post, but I thought were, you know, interesting or whatevs.

-WHAM!'s first appearance on top of the pops was in 1982, where they performed a song called "young guns (go for it)" (yes, seriously). George Michael apparently wore "espadrilles, a suede jacket slit open, and rolled-up denim jeans." And apparently this drove the girls wild.
-WHAM! was the first western pop act to tour in Red-turning-pink China. They were there for 10 days in 1985.
-Their trip to China is immortalized in the tour film "Foreign Skies."
-Their first song was called "wham rap."
-The other guy in WHAM! is actually not gay and he lives in some old castle with his wife somewhere in England. And he's an environmental activist or something.
-George Michael was arrested in a public restroom in Beverly Hills after being baited by one of the force's "pretty police."

I Can Has Low-Brow Humor?

2007-11-29T22:24:00.000-05:00

"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!"

2007-11-29T18:29:00.000-05:00

Oh my god and holy shit, dudes:

Amy Sedaris and Dolly Parton together! It is simultaneously the most exciting moment in feminism this year, yet also the gayest thing that ever has been and ever will be. Amazing!

Summary: Dolly loves you, but she just doesn't have time for your big city neuroses! In anyone else's hands, this video totally could have turned into, like, a Dove "Real Beauty" ad, but Dolly speaks from the heart! Anyway, I'm sure Simone would have more/ better historical things to say about how Dolly's always been a total feminist or whatever, but whatever! I got home from work first!

Actually, this is totally making me weepy. It's totally like a Le Tigre song for moms who read Redbook!

PS: The part where she refers to herself as the "Dolly Lama" is so good, it actually cured my cold!

Our Brothers from Another Mother

2007-11-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

http://120minutes.tumblr.com/

The Accordion Connection: Where Even The Most Mediocre Aspects of Mid-90s Alt Culture Are Treated with the Respect and Dignity That They Deserve

2007-11-25T17:24:00.000-05:00

Now where's my OK! Soda?

The Guy With the Beard is Grant Lee Phillips (In Case You Care)

2007-11-19T00:52:00.001-05:00

I had thought my 20s were going to be like this. My bad?:

So obviously from a time when "being Janeane Garofalo-ish" was a legitimate career prospect. Sigh.

Guitar Queer-os

2007-11-18T23:04:00.000-05:00

We can't get enough of these dorks in the cold, soggy winter months (even though its kind of so pez it should have its own dispenser):

Sonic Youth and Their Super-Friends

2007-11-11T21:43:00.001-05:00

(Jason Lee)

(Chloe Sevigny, Marc Jacobs)

(Macaulay Culkin and that girl he married)

I kind of want to make excuses for them, still, but "Sugar Kane" is essentially the "Freedom '90" for people who had really strong opinions about Airwalks. Okay, you're right, "Freedom" was way better:

PS: I never noticed that guy with the anti-gravity boots before. How "Zoolander"!

PPS: Supermodels! What was that even about?!

I'll be sex offensive to you.

2007-11-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right, you, the young Bruce Springsteen. EMPHASIS ON YOUNG, guys. I mean, seriously. Let's forget the fact that the current Bruce Springsteen is like 60 and has a "soul patch" and is pretty boring, musically. Let's just remember when Bruce Springsteen was FOINE and YOUNG and his music was still pretty boring and lame but WHATEVER god he was cute.

Just watch this video and tell me he isn't fine. But watch it with the sound off. Because this song sounds like elevator music.

Now, I was going to post a video of Bruce singing "I'm going down," (the only good Springsteen song out there... seriously, for a while there I thought there was something wrong with me, like, wasn't Bruce Springsteen supposed to be good and, you know, the boss or whatever? Anyway, "I'm going down" is what I wish all Bruce Springsteen songs sounded like) but there's this long monologue where he's like chatting with the audience before he plays the song... and basically, he says "make love" a bunch and it's really gross. That's something cheesy lounge singers in Las Vegas say, you know? Anyway, instead, here's the cover of "the river" which is supposedly good but actually isn't!

Sigh. What a dreamboat.

I Was a Pre-Teen Goth

2007-11-04T20:42:00.000-05:00

Well, it wasn't really my fault, you know! Pre-teen culture in the early 90s--before there were 'tweens' and 10 years old was considered a reasonable age to begin wearing thng underwear--was filled with the kind of stuff that would, a few years down the road, lead us all to skull rings and bad eyeliner and Robert Smith hair and shoddy, ill-informed Wicca practice. Need proof? Well, to begin with, there was Beetlejuice, the animated series:

On the show, B-Juice was downgraded from the Charlie Sheen of spirits (crazy, vengeful, gassy) he was shown to be in the movie--on the show he has gone from trying to steal Lydia and make her his underworld bride to just trying to earn some money babysitting to buy her a present. For what it's worth, Lydia seems a bit more into him, too...

Please consider further: Gravedale High:

On this show, Rick Moranis teaches at a high school for monsters, some of whom are voiced by Ricki lake and I think Phil Hartman, and is one of those shows packed with weird references that go over little kids' heads. I spent many a pre-YouTube year desperately seeking copies of episodes of this show, trolling around eBay and whatnot, only to recently find it on YouTube and remember that it's not very good. Is it wrong that I'm kind of attracted to the werewolf with the red pompadour? I mean, in a cartoon way. I mean not really! Kidding!

Furthermore: Eerie, Indiana

Set in a small Midwestern town where everything that went on was like a less-spooky "X-Files", Eerie, Indiana started off as an unsuccessful Friday night show, but found a second life on the Fox Saturday morning line-up, where I watched it obsessively, praying that my own lame-o suburb held such mystery, excitement, and haunted Tupperware.

And of course, we can't forget Goosebumps:

I was totally fucking above Goosebumps, because I thought they were books for illiterates, but I watched it because it was on and because it had monsters in it, which is something you can rarely say about any TV shows nowadays.

Nickelodeon, of course, had it's own tween-Goth offerings, like it's monsters-at-monster-college cartoon, Ahhh! Real Monsters:

Even Canadians got into the act, with Are You Afraid of the Dark:

It was on SNick, remember? Ah, SNick. There was something so deliciously adult and forbidden and sophisticated about SNick that really summed up the appeal of pre-teen-Goth in general to me.

And of course everyone too young to have a period but too nerdy to have more than one friend was watching the X-Files every Sunday or Friday night, depending on the year, of course.

Being a teenager of course is profoundly confusing, but being a pre-teen is confusing, too. You're about to be let into the big bad adult world, and you need to get a handle on some of the freakier stuff about it, perhaps through a gentle, candy-colored version of some of its scarier parts? I feel like pre-teens today are getting that version of sex, with their Abercrombie tween thongs and pole dancing classes and whatnot. In the early 90s, watching all of these shows, I felt like I was getting a prettied-up, candy-coated version of death, tragedy, and trouble. Is sex scarier to us than death now? Were we making such spooky kids shows way back when because we were all so traumatized by mass death promised by the Cold War? Perhaps I'm reading too much into this. Maybe all the people in charge of childrens programming in the early 90s were also early investors in Hot Topic, and they were just making sure that they cultivated an audience of people who would remain interested in skull-print clothes through their early 30s. Either way, the lessons of these shows stick with me to this day. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go dye my hair black, return my DVD of the Craft, and wash my spiderweb-print tights.

My Fake Inspirational Writer Girlfriends, Part 1

2007-11-02T21:12:00.001-04:00

Funny girls seem like they're writing TV shows and movies these days, not novels, huh? What's that about? Actually, who are the really funny girl novelists ever? Please leave me suggestions in the comments! But I am getting ahead of myself. Anyway, so because funny girls are writing movies and TV these days, I hereby present you with my two favorite writing ladies, who have both written books but they were memoirs so they only count a little, and they are mostly writing for the moving pictures. God, this blog is so boring when I am being really sincere!

First up: Jill Soloway! When Jill was very young, Jill produced a stage show called "The Real Live Brady Bunch." Then she smoked pot for something like ten years straight, got accidentally pregnant, wrote a funny story about Courtney Cox (http://www.jillsoloway.com/cc.htm, yeah, no, I don't know how to hyperlink, fuck you), wrote for Six Feet Under, wrote a memoir called TINY LADIES IN SHINY PANTS, and most importantly is a feminist all of the time. She runs some kind of feminist dance party-comedy-fun organization in LA, and also she speaks at some NOW conference, below!:

Now: Diablo Cody wrote a great book called CANDY GIRL that is about what it is like to be a smart funny Midwestern lady who decides to become a stripper anyway. I will admit that I have an endless taste for books about the business of being professionally naked, but this book is really really genuinely funny and good and filled with hilarious lists and stuff. I kind of see her as a fun feminist refutation to the works of Chuck Klostermann, which I think is pretty important! Like, for the world. Anyway, here she is on Letterman:

"I thought strippers would be these off-the-wall feminist chicks who were best friends and drank gin," Cody said. "But that is not the case. Everyone hates each other."

Isn't she so adorable? She's dressed like it's 1995 in her heart. Also, on December 14th, a movie she wrote called "Juno" will be coming out. It stars Ellen Page and Michael Cera and Jason Bateman and looks like the feminist refutation of "Knocked Up"!:

But Whatever Happend to My Trannsylvania Twist?

2007-10-31T16:48:00.000-04:00

I guess there's only one day a year where it's really appropriate to play the Monster Mash (though I have been known to play and sing it in, you know, mid-june or pretty much whenever the urge strikes). And that day is today, Halloween, or, as the ancient warlocks called it, All hallow's eve.

The monster mash was first recorded in 1962 by Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Cryptkickers. The "boris" is because Bobby did a really good imitation of Boris Karloff.. and that's how the monster mash originated. Interesting fact: the BBC banned the song in 1962 on the grounds that it was "too morbid." Apparently Pickett also recorded a Christmas song in the same vein, "Monsters Holiday." And in 2006, the Clear the Air Organization released another version of the song with Pickett on vocals, "Climate Mash."

Anyway, there have been many covers of the song over the years. Here's a handy list:
* Horror punk group The Misfits covered this song on their album Monster Mash, and Project 1950.

I mean, if you're going to listen to the misfits, I guess this is better than pretty much anything else they did. Also, you're probably 13, so what do you know about music?

* British ska band Bad Manners released a cover of the song on their 1980 debut album, Ska 'n' B.
* Vincent Price recorded a version of the song in 1977.
* The Bonzo Dog Band covered the song for their 1969 album Tadpoles.

The Bonzo Dog Band were this weird art school band from england. they were on some british children's tv show in the early 1970s.

* Cult reggae band The Toyes recorded "Monster Hash", a cover with the lyrics altered to be about marijuana use. um, haha! wtf?
* The Beach Boys covered the tune on their 1964 album Beach Boys Concert.

Thanks, Wikipedia! Also, apparently, there was a movie musical called Monster Mash that was based on the song that came out in theaters (what?) in 1995. So there's pretty much all you need to know about the monster mash. Happy Halloween!

Tyra Looks Way Different Now

2007-10-29T23:21:00.000-04:00

If you watch this trailer for "Coyote Ugly" all the way to the end, you will notice a pre-"Jackass" Johnny Knoxville drinking in a crowd scene while some guy with blond hair yells:

Also, if, like me, watching the trailer just whet you appetite and made you remember seeing this in the theaters when you were a teenager, and you knew it was dumb but it also secretly seemed kind of cool because you lived in the suburbs and that was so confusing you were like "Maybe it would be fun to live like this, I can't even tell!"? Here is some more:

(PS: I heard from someone who went there once that it is not actually very fun)

Oh my god, I go so distracted by Coyote Ugly, I've been wearing my sports bra for like 2 hours ow ow ow.

Not Candy!

2007-10-29T22:50:00.000-04:00

Are you ready for Halloween? Are you ready? Are you? Are you psyched? Have you put together an awesome outfit that shows off your hooters real nice? What, slutty gym teacher? Slutty rabbi? Slutty Fred Thompson? Slutty ghost of Jack Kerouac haunting the halls of his final home, where he was rumored to consume 17 boilermakers an hour in his final days? Are you gonna get waaaaaasted? And make out with some dude who works at American Apparel and also shops at American Apparel? At a DANCE party? Awwwwwwesome! Also, oh my god, fuck you. Also, this Busta Rhymes video

totally rips it's chorus from...

this mid-80s PSA!

Which is only from the NYC tri-state area, so not everyone has picked up on it. But for serious. It is the same exact chorus.

I was going to do a whole post about how Busta is awful but I like his old Hype Williams videos, but then another funny thing about that PSA is that it automatically makes me so depressed. Something about the tiny, furry, cute pills, and they have smiley faces and they're singing to you, but they're singing a song about how you need to stay away...seriously, it makes me, like, sick in my soul. This had nothing to do with Halloween. I'm sorry.

(okay, I recovered enough to post this:

Werewolves on Wheels

2007-10-27T15:37:00.000-04:00

Seriously.

Not kidding.

Eat, Buy, Fill: A Triptych of Apollonian Proportions.

2007-10-25T12:42:00.000-04:00

In the mid-80s, Prince was king of the world. In 1984, the album Purple Rain was released, and went on to sell over 10 million copies. It was the number one record in the country for 24 weeks, and all over the world, people were getting asymmetical haircuts, buying flowy lacy blouses, and "wearing lingerie to restaurants..." Okay, maybe it didn't go quite that far, but the point is, around this point, I believe Prince went MAD WITH POWER. What other reason is there for "Thank You, Mister Christian," the Apollonia 6 movie that was created in 1985? I implore you to watch this short film and have your mind completely and totally blown.
Part 1: Ohmigod! Mr. Christian, our benevolent benefactor, is dead! And we're left out of the will! And all we have is our lingere, our singing and dancing skills, an a teddy bear! Whatever shall we do?!!!

Get a job at a diner, obviously.

Part 2: Our Cavorting with teddy bears dressed up in various outfits (not unlike the teddy bear Village People) while wearing lingerie didn't go over at the diner so well. What will we do now? We're so hungry and nearly naked!

Apollonia Brand Cornflakes, Aisle 6!

Oh no! It turns out that they already have enough sluts at the grocery store. And we're so sleepy! Now what?

Learn to "pump" "gas" and "fill up" my "tank."

Whew! Thank god it was all a prank... We all know girls who look that good in lingerie can't be expected to hold a job!

Also, i think the lawyer in the first scene was in "Beyond The Valley of the Dolls" or maybe some other Russ Meyer Film... Making this a true Camp masterpiece!

He Has His Father's Eyes

2007-10-24T22:24:00.001-04:00

With the way things are going for classic horror movies these days, they'll probably be remaking this with Hayden Panettiere and Shia LeBoeuf within the year.

Well, To Be Fair, No One Really Wants To Be Buried in a Pet Sematary

2007-10-24T00:09:00.000-04:00

Halloween: you have one week to get ready. Perhaps some seasonally appropriate music will help you get up the energy to buy a nice wig, eat some candy, do some light necromancy, and get laid by a werewolf?:

(I actually really like this song)

Plantman Knows

2007-10-23T23:58:00.001-04:00

This used to be the song on our answering machine in 1995:

Witches' Teats

2007-10-22T22:34:00.000-04:00

In our rubber-boobied post-Tila Tequila era, I know it's tough to toss one off without feeling totally gross about it. I mean, sure, you like fake boobs, but you don't like that you like fake boobs, right? Yes, of course I'm right. I know I'm right. I know it as surely as I know that maybe for a second you thought about auditioning for the next season of "Rock of Love", because, I don't know, it would be a fun lark, right? Funny thing to say around the water cooler. And I mean, it has to work for someone eventually, those celebrity dating shows, right? And maybe you and Bret Michaels would actually hit it off and he would take you away from your job and your life to his apartment (two bedrooms!) in the suburbs outside the Hollywood Hills, and you'd get to drive his 1998 Dodge Neon sometimes and maybe find out that syphillis is actually not that bad? Yeah, I know. Our creepy shaved-vadge culture is destroying us all, from the inside out, just as surely as the pollution created in producing these San Fernando Valley gems will be the final insult to our planet, the final drop in the bucket that pushes us into a new ice age (that was actually in the DVD extras on An Inconvenient Truth).

By now you're probably saying, But Gaby, what can I do? I'm just one person. I can't fix the environment, lift public morale, or force girls to keep even a smidgen of their pubic hair intact. Well, I can think of one thing you could do. If you're going to jerk off, it might as well be to some witch porn. I mean, have a little dignity. If not for yourself, then for America.

They All Want Sausages

2007-10-13T09:54:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across this old Hungarian commercial for sausages while looking at a livejournal community about vintage ads... Yes, my life is glamorous and exciting! Anyway, now that Gaby and I are back together, we'll be posting more regularly again soon. Promise.

In the meantime, go eat yourself some sausages.

The Accoridon Connection Lives!

2007-09-04T13:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so we've really sucked at posting lately. Shit happened. We moved, I was out of town, I was back in town for a month, only to be overwhelmed by unpacking and painting my room - that is, when I wasn't helping 160 girls form bands, write songs, and ultimately rock everyone's socks off at the highline ballroom. Yes, that's right, it was Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls time again. And how it rocked. Here's a video from the second session showcase at the Highline Ballroom, July 24 2007. This band, "Roadkill Rewind," was very dear to my heart, because the bassist (the one in the top hat with a checkered tie on it) was one of my favorites from my counseling group. anyway, prepare to be blown away by a bunch of 13 year old girls performing the song they wrote in 5 days, "The end of the beginning and the beginning of the end."

So anyway I'm now in Cape Town, South Africa, so maybe Gaby will pick up the slack and start posting again. One can dream...

Reading Between Stevie's "Lines"

2007-08-01T16:53:00.000-04:00

It is perhaps not very well known that Gaby and myself have something of a fondness for Stevie Nicks, in all her coked-out, flowy dress-wearing, twirling, throaty-voiced glory. Or maybe it is, I dunno how many people we talk to about Stevie Nicks, other than each other and Mary. The point is, we have a framed copy of "Rumors" hanging in our bathroom.

And some of the stuff from Stevie's solo career is fucking awesome. (duh). Let us begin with "Edge of Seventeen," which I personally think is one of the best song titles EVER. This song was one of the hits off "Bella Donna," which was a number 1 album in 1981 and has subsequently gone platinum like 5 times or something. Also, this video is of poor quality, but it begins with a monologue, which is always a fun time:

Now some of you youngsters will hear that guitar riff and think, "holy shit, is that bootylicious?" And the thing is, you're right. And the fabulous thing is, Stevie Nicks herself appears in the video for bootylicious. She's the one in the purple pants with the guitar:

But recently my favorite song to listen to in order to wake up in the morning is "Stand Back," which is off Stevie's 1983 album, "Wild Heart." Apparently, Stevie came up with the idea for "Stand Back" while listening to "Little Red Corvette." So you know what that means: Hella synth. It's a little known fact that Prince himself played the synths on the studio version of this song! Anyway, here's Stevie giving an incredible live performance on Saturday Night Live in 1983.

This kind of video always makes me want to play one of my all-time favorite parlour games, entitled "How Much Coke Do You Think He/She/They Were On?" I'd wager an eightball, blown up the ass.

David Bowie the Dreamsicle

2007-07-14T00:46:00.000-04:00

Mary the guest poster and proprietor of the highly entertaining/mean blog Rip It to Shreds here- you may remember me from such posts as "lonelygirl15 is a filthy fraud." Anyway, I am here to present a music vid of my own personal teen idol, David Bowie.

If only youtube were around in my day- back then, I just downloaded my David Bowie videos from Kazaa, and they were few and far between. However, I think I watched each and every one I did posses about a million times, particularly this clip of Iggy Pop and Bowie on the Dinah Shore Show, which was pretty much the apex of coolness, particularly because Bowie acts like such a weird fag in it, however briefly. (Also amazing was the Life On Mars video, in which he wears a sea-green suit, blue eyeshadow, and pink lipstick.)

I never did see this Boys Keep Swinging video, and that is a pity, because watching it sort of makes me a born-again Bowie fanatic, all nostalgic for the teenage lust that swelled in my heart when watching thirty year old clips of this jumpsuited and coked-out dreamboat. I mean, look at him! Look at his little dancing! Look at his eyeliner! The lyrics are beyond amazing, and the weirdo wax dummy/drag part at the end is the height of artistic pretension/camp/triple hottness (despite the fact that he makes a surprisingly fugly woman.)

After watching this clip, I did indeed sink back into teenage mode, watching both this surprisingly funky version of Stay, and the below Starman clip, in which he wears a glorious, skintight, technicolor jumpsuit and sings with an equally jumpsuited Mick Ronson. Oh man, it's all so cute I might to have to start signing "David Bowie is God" on all my letters and pasting photos of Ziggy Stardust on my locker.

Getting to Know Your Bloggers: Part 2

2007-07-12T17:28:00.000-04:00

People are always asking me, "Simone, you're such a big mover and shaker in the NYC art world! That must be really glamorous! What's it like?!" Rather than answer them, I prefer to refer them to this clip, which is the most accurate depiction of the art world I've been able to find thus far. I definitely identify most with Patsy in this clip:

From Xana-don't to Xana-do

2007-07-04T14:49:00.000-04:00

This may come as a shock to you all, but there is actually one really good song in "XANADU." I know, I know... it sounds crazy. But somehow, they managed to sneak in a really excellent pop song called "Dancin'," which is for some reason interlaced with some weird faux-40s swingin' dance party. The "6 guys wearing electric orange" are actually The Tubes, a San Francisco-based "theater rock" band. Semi-interesting side note: This girl Eva, who I was frienemies with in middle school, apparently her mom knew the tubes and like designed one of their album covers. Whatever. Eva was a bitch. Anyway, basically I am posting this because I think if anyone will appreciate this song, it's gonna be Gerard. So Gerard, baby, this is for you (just ignore the crappy half-assed faux-swing song):

And yes, that is Gene Kelly...

Getting to Know Your Bloggers, Part 1

2007-07-02T21:24:00.000-04:00

We get a lot of letters down here at Accordion Connection HQ that go something like this: "Dear Gaby and Simone, Despite being heiresses, baronesses, inventresses of dance moves such as the 'Aunt Jackie', proprietresses of the 6th most popular YouTube-based blog in southern Brooklyn, and functioning as the close personal confidantes of both Stevie Nicks AND Linda Ronstadt*, at the end of the day, are you just regular girls like everyone else?" The answer, of course, is hell no; we have a gold toilet that nobody is allowed to poop in, and I sleep in a specially-designed carbonite chamber which I believe gives me eerie telekinetic powers. But, we thought, given the overwhelming demand, we would initiate a new series of posts that would allow you to get to know us better. Below is a montage of clips I've taken of me going about my business on an average day; I hope you enjoy it, and I hope it brings us closer together.

Sincerely,
Gaby

Spandex on Wheels

2007-07-02T19:57:00.000-04:00

You know how sometimes, you come across something that blows your mind so absolutely, so majorly, that you really are at a loss for words about it? Such is this video:

It's like, what?! I guess I'll go to wikipedia to speak for me: "The video for Hell on Wheels was tough for Cher to shoot. She was required to skate down steep, mountainous roads while sporting a broken arm. In the video Cher is roller skating and being followed by a huge truck driven by two men which use the maximum speed of the truck to catch up with her. Following this, Cher convinces many people with different types of transportation to follow and take a ride with her." Sounds like as plausible a premise for a music video as any.

This song was also included in the soundtrack for "Roller Boogie."

Which, yeah, I guess roller-dancing was real popular in the late 70s/early 80s. I guess that's why god made Xanadu:

Seriously, guys, just watch it with the sound off. It's totally worth it.

Um, and that's it, I guess.

If You Want to Destroy My Fall Out Boy

2007-06-29T14:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, I get it, I get it: nobody enjoys my Fall Out Boy posts except me. I spent hours slaving away on my "introduction to crybaby-eyeliner-poppy-mall-metal that the kids seem to like so much right now" post for you people, which was both clever AND comprehensive, and what did I get from you people in return? Not a single comment. Not a one! I mean, excuse me if I'm driven to try to understand a culture where Zach Braff can be considered totally intelligent and good-looking and people use the word "guyliner" in absolute seriousness, okay? After that, I thought I was out of the Fall Out Boy-related post business for good. But something still haunted me. There was something about Fall Out Boy that I just couldn't make sense of, something about their appeal that I couldn't put my finger on. I mean, yeah, of course, they're like if AFI gang-banged Heidi from "The Hills" and then they had a baby and then threw it in a dumpster, but I felt there had to be something more to explain their colossal and confounding popularity. Something I was missing. Until I saw this Fall Out Boy video where a monkey steals Pete Wentz's girlfriend and then there's some explosions and stuff, and it all became just too clear to me: Fall Out Boy are the Weezer for our times:

First album Weezer, I mean. Before all that weird Harvard-celibate-freak-out stuff. So, what, does that make Panic at the Disco the Ozma of their generation or something? I don't even want to fucking thing about it.

Bonus question: who would you rather spend a Saturday night with: Rivers Cuomo or Pete Wentz? I'm sure they're both so intolerable in their asshattery that it would become, like, a human rights violation, but I'd go with Wentz. He is more likely to do something accidentally hilarious, I think. Didn't he try to OD on Tylenol PM once or something?

In Honor of Gaby's Trip to SF

2007-06-25T13:31:00.000-04:00

What can I say? It was gay pride weekend.